Shadows of the Past
by Junipertree
Summary: !FINISHED!Shadow climbs out of his hole of self-pity. Locke is depressed without Celes, who is interested in someone else. Terra still loves Leo, and finds consolation in the weirdest person. And Mog is BORED, kupo!!
1. Prologue

A/N: This thing needs more Shadow fics. Seriously. Oh, and the rating is mostly for suggestion of, um, "mature topics" and my tendency to enjoy lots of cussing.

Oh, and I'm well aware that somebody who's probably a better writer than me has used the title before (I read like the first chapter, had to get offline so I skipped to the end), but I named it before I realized, and I'm sure as hell not changing it now. I *like* that title, OK? It *fits* (the pun man, the pun). And another thing: I *do* try to be original in my fics, and if anyone accuses me of copying (well obviously I'm copying, this is fanfic, it's impossible *not* to copy), I will look into it. If there is one thing I hate, it's cliches. 

Disclaimer: You've heard it before and you'll hear it again: FFVI isn't mine, Shadow isn't mine (noo! Noo! Writer bangs the keyboard with her fists), even the damn title isn't mine, and I'm making absolutely no money off of this. If I was, I'd have a PS2 by now. 

Summary: Shadow barely escapes Kefka's tower alive, and makes his way to Narshe, only wanting to stay there for the winter and then leave again. But in Narshe he finds more than he expected – old acquaintances and remnants of the past haunt him until he is forced to face his fears instead of running away. 

By Junipertree – junipertree@antisocial.com

****

Shadows of the Past

Prologue

He breathed in the thick, tar-scented air that surrounded Kefka's tower, wondering why he had ever come here in the first place. Wondering why he had ever joined the Returners at all – it wasn't as if he really cared about their cause, anyway. Whether or not some clown sat on top of a pile of rubble blowing things up, he would always make a living.

__

Killing for money or killing for some 'noble cause' is still the same thing. I guess I just figured I had enough money. Shadow laughed hollowly at his own pathetic little joke, then sank to his knees, leaning against some odd structure for support. He did not really want to know what it was, but with his luck it was probably the desiccated corpse of somebody who had displeased the master of the tower. The ground was wet and muddy, but it wasn't as if Shadow really cared about his clothing or appearance. He was sitting in a little alcove on a path forking off from the 'main trail'. Most of the top of Kefka's tower was spikes of metal and nameless waste, with little paths formed mostly by the starving and vicious monsters that Kefka had let loose on top of his domain. Flies buzzed over everything, getting in your face, and there were many huge, black, beetle-like insects crawling around.

Small tremors had been shaking the building for some time now, and were slowly getting more violent. _Rocks like a baby's cradle,_ he thought, and closed his eyes, almost lulled to sleep. Everyone else was running as quickly as possible towards the Falcon, and Shadow wanted to stay unnoticed until it was too late for them to return. _Let them worry about their own lives._

The tower was really starting to crumble now, gigantic blocks of rubble were falling off the sides and huge cracks were opening around him. All he could hear now was the ripping of the earth, the cries of doomed monsters and the far-off sound of a dog barking…

Far off?

__

…Interceptor!

The large black dog bounded over a crack and skidded towards Shadow, barking and grabbing his sleeve in his teeth.

"No, Interceptor," Shadow shook his head. "I'm not going back. I'm going to stop running."

__

You think death isn't running away? For a millisecond, a shape flashed before Shadow.

"Aysha!" The shape disappeared, and Interceptor bounded off towards the Falcon. After a moment of indecision, Shadow dashed after the dog. What was…?

He stumbled and fell to his knees, scraping off the knees of his pants (and most of the skin underneath them as well) but Shadow hadn't gotten as far as he had by paying attention to pain. A huge gap loomed before him, and he barely made to leap. When he got to the Falcon it was just taking off, and Interceptor was on the tip of the stern, barking his head off. With one final dash Shadow made it, jumping on to the side of the ship, holding on to the uneven boards on the side as the Falcon took off.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


	2. Interceptor...?

A/N: It never mentioned Relm's mother's name, did it? Well, whatever… Just to let you know, I never planned on long chapters or a very long story in general, but hey, you never know. I might get on a roll.

Disclaimer: You've seen it before, it's not mine. I am utterly broke and am making nothing off of this. Unfortunately. 

****

Shadows of the Past

Chapter 1: Interceptor…?

Shadow didn't know how long he held on to the edge of the airship. It could have been minutes, it could have been hours, it could have been days, and in the haze he was in he couldn't really tell. If he really thought about it, it would be hours, but since his fingers were threatening to turn into ice blocks, he had to concentrate all his energy into just holding on. Shadow couldn't climb up onto the railing because of the outward slant of the airship and the lack of handholds. He tried to call for a rope, but the high-altitude winds just ripped his voice away – all he could to was hang on and wait. There were times he thought about letting go, but then Interceptor would just give him this look as if the dog knew what Shadow was thinking.

Nobody seemed to notice Shadow, out of sight as he was, and it was a profound relief when the Falcon lowered to the ground. He stumbled to the side so that he wouldn't get squashed, his legs stiff from disuse. Interceptor leaped off the ship and bounded into a nearby copse of conifers, so Shadow assumed that the dog wanted him to follow.

It was getting dark, and the small forest was more than a bit chilly, but Shadow was used to the cold. His feet made no sound on the forest floor, and it seemed as if he was the only living thing in the entire wood. His mind was centered on the shape he had seen before, just as Interceptor had bounded away, and he had heard the voice. How could it be her? How…?

The huge black dog was just sitting on the dead leaves and bracken, giving Shadow this eerily penetrating look. Not quite knowing what to do and feeling rather foolish, Shadow walked over to Interceptor and sat down across from him.

"God," he said aloud. "I don't really know what to expect. I probably look like a real fool right now –"

__

Clyde. He looked up, startled. And saw her again.

"Aysha!" Her form was as clear as the last time he had seen her – or not. There was a slight translucency to her, and his eyes found it very hard to keep focus on her for long. But everything else – that same blue and brown dress and her chocolate curls still done up in her loose ponytail. But her hands… as they moved, they blurred around the edges, their form unclear and flowing like water.

__

Clyde! Why?

He knew exactly what she was talking about, and was ashamed. He rested his face in is hands , if only not to look her in the face. "Aysha, you can't ever understand, you were always so innocent – you can't know even half of the things I've done –"

__

But I do, she said wryly. _You say a lot of interesting things to your dog when you're drunk._

Shadow almost smiled. She still retained her old sense of humor. He raised his head. "But why didn't you tell me you were still alive?" 

Even as the question left his lips, he knew the answer. _Because I'm not._

"Then why didn't you tell me you were still – here?" God, if he'd known… _Things could have been so different,_ he thought. _I wouldn't have been alone. I would have been so much happier. _You_ would have been so much happier. Why did you pretend… didn't you want to be with me? Or were you so disgusted by the way I live?_

These mental questions seemed to somehow convey themselves to the ghostly woman in front of him. _Because I wanted you to let go! _She sounded frustrated. If the dead could 'sound'. _You never moved on, Clyde. You're living in the past. You won't live your life. Your holding on to me kept me here. I need to die, Clyde._

"So you're going to leave me, too, like everyone else," he said bitterly. "Nice to know that you care."

__

No! I do care! I love you! Shadow forced himself to look up at her… face? _But it's not right for me to be here, Clyde. I need to move on. And so do you. Live, Clyde._

"Living on others' pain."

__

It doesn't have to be that way. You chose that path. You chose that path, and I stayed with you anyways. You death-willed yourself, telling yourself that you weren't running away. Weren't you, Clyde? Weren't you? You were just using death as an escape from life.

Having the truth so blatantly shoved in his face hurt more than he would say. "I wanted to start over."

__

In a new life, you mean? But isn't it better to mend the old instead of throwing it away and getting a new one? Would you throw your daughter away?

"I'm no kind of father. It's too late, Aysha. I fucked up, and she's in Strago's care now. He loves her more than I ever could." He'd been over this to himself a million times over, and always came up with the same answer.

__

But what about when he's gone? The old man won't live forever, you know. And then where will Relm be? Alone, and an orphan. Do you want that on your shoulders?

"I've had that on my shoulders for ten fucking years!" he stood up and yelled at her. "Do you think I liked it, huh? Do you think I enjoyed wondering what was happening to her, whether she was happy?"

__

But you didn't do anything, Clyde. You blocked it off, Clyde. 'There are many like me who have killed their emotions', she mocked. 'Remember that.' _You were lying to yourself, and you knew it._

He gave up and sat down, deflated. "All right. You're right, I'm wrong. Are you happy now?"

__

No. Her tone softened. _I love you, Clyde. I want you to be happy, and I want our child to be happy. You can change, Clyde, it's not too late. It's not to late…_

"Aysha!" he cried out, as she started to fade. "Aysha… don't leave me."

Within a few seconds, all traces that the ghost of his dead wife had been there were gone, and he was sitting alone in the forest with a large, black, perfectly ordinary dog.

"I hope without Aysha's spirit, you're still housebroken." He laughed at his own pathetic joke; laughter that verged on hysteria, but never quite got there. 

He stood up slowly and dropped his hood, running his hands through his hair. "What am I going to do now?" he said aloud. "Where am I going to go? Where will I be welcome?" His questions were answered by the loud _chik-chik-chiking_ of an annoyed squirrel.

"I don't know any city called Chik-chik-chik!" he said back to the squirrel, and laughed, truly laughed, for the first time in over ten years.

~*~

Dumb chapter ending, I know… review anyways… if you wanna bother… dotdotdot… 


	3. Narshe

A/N: Laa de dahh.. I'm bad at these author's notes things… but I must say, it's very hard to write something depressing while listening to the New Pornographers. No! I won't turn off the CD! *clasps the headphones to her head and squishes the discman against her chest* 

PS, did I spell Kolinghen right? Aargh, can't they have normal city names, like Smallville or something?

Disclaimer: It's all Square's, unfortunately. One of these days…

****

Shadows of the Past

Chapter 2: Narshe

__

One year has passed.

It was snowing like hell and his eyelashes were about to freeze together when he reached Narshe. The jittery chocobo he had been riding had refused to go any farther miles ago, forcing Shadow to continue on foot. He made a mental note to get his revenge on that particular oversized chicken's owner, tried to warm up his fingers in his armpits, and headed straight for the inn, Interceptor barking ahead of him.

Narshe had been abandoned shortly after Kefka had attained the power of the three goddess statues – Narshe would be an obvious target, as it was the Returners' base. After Kefka's defeat, about a year ago, people had started straggling back to the small northern city, and though the place was in a lot better repair than it had been two years ago, it still wasn't up to it's old standards. 

__

Why did I come here,_ anyway?_ Shadow asked himself._ This place is the middle of nowhere. A bloody cold nowhere, I might add._ The snow was slanted directly in his face, and the city was just a white blur dotted with spots of brown siding to him. Shadow had no idea how Interceptor managed to stay warm with just his fur. He walked past one building, trying to make out the sign at the front and hoping that one was the inn. Finally, after backtracking twice and walking into the wrong building once, he found the inn. _This town is supposed to be small, and I can't even find the inn. Pathetic._

The wind ripped the doorknob from his fingers and whipped it back against the wall as Interceptor dashed in before Shadow managed to slam it shut. 

"Bad weather, eh?" the innkeeper remarked, as he wiped down the counter.

"No shit," Shadow muttered under his breath. He peeled off his snow-encrusted cloak and tried to shake the worst of it off before hanging it up on the rack to drip. It would probably still be damp in the morning, but oh, well. He pulled off his boots and emptied them of snow as well before sitting down at the counter. "Come." The large black dog* started the come forward, but Shadow halted him. "Shake first." Ice and slush flew from Interceptor's coat as he shook himself dry. Even though he was a few metres away from Shadow, the dog managed to fling a bit of water at his "master's" face. "Dumb dog." Shadow tried to wipe off his face but only managed to get himself wetter. 

"Get me something to drink," he ordered the innkeeper. "Anything hot."

"That'll be our special Narshe cider." The man said proudly. "With apples straight from the best orchards of Figaro, made by me own wife."

Shadow tried to wring the water out of his mask, then gave up and worked on his shirt. "Here ye go," said the innkeeper cheerfully. He didn't seem intimidated by Shadow, which rather amused the ex-assassin. He'd quit his trade, but still wore the same thing he always had – all black, with a hood and mask. He felt uncomfortable in anything else.

"I need to feed my dog – some kind of meat stew, maybe." He phrased it as a statement, not as a question.

"Oh, you've got a dog!" The innkeeper reached over the counter to pat the dog on the head, but was stopped by Shadow's firm grip on his wrist. 

"He bites."

"Oh." The man withdrew his hand.

Shadow sat at the counter for about an hour, slowly becoming warmer. Eventually he ordered some stew and bread with cheese and ate that as well, occasionally throwing scraps of bread to Interceptor. He wasn't really sure what he was going to do in Narshe, probably just the usual. Most cities were constantly rebuilding and repairing, as well as adding some new structures. But there wasn't much work to be done in the middle of winter, so he'd probably just hole up here until spring, living on his savings. He had plenty of money to spare. For the moment, Shadow just closed his eyes and enjoyed the warmth and relaxation.

~*~

Locke rubbed his hand together and blew on them, wondering why he had ever cut the fingers out of his gloves. Then he remembered, grinned to himself, and kicked open the door to the inn, wincing as the wind blew in more snow from the outdoors. Not even bothering to take off his heavy winter jacket, he swaggered over to the counter and ordered some cider. As he waited he brushed the snow off his bandana, kicked off his boots, and unzipped his jacket, revealing think blue sweatpants and a ragged blue vest over his usual white T-shirt. As soon as he got his drink he took a small bottle from one of the inside pockets in his jacket and tipped a little something in.

"You've been taking tips from Setzer, thief-boy." Said a voice at the other side of the bar, closer to the wall.

"That's treasure-hunter!" Locke yelled back, then looked up to see a man all in black lounging a few seats away from him. He did a double-check, then moved over a few seats toward the man and brought his drink with him. "Shadow? We thought you were dead!"

"You sound so disappointed." 

Locke blushed. Honestly, he had not really thought about it much. He'd never traded more than a few sentences with Shadow, and any questions he had ever asked were usually met with cryptic answers or nothing at all. "We didn't notice you weren't on the Falcon until it was too late. What happened?"

"Let's just say I had a brush with Fate."

The treasure-hunter just gave Shadow an odd look, not really understanding but not really wanting to know the answer.

"Where have you been since then? For that matter, where has everybody been? I got off the ship in Kolinghen, and haven't seen anyone but Terra, once, Edgar twice, and Cyan, another time, since."

"What, you haven't even seen Celes?" Shadow smirked.

"No." there was a stark finality in his voice. "I haven't seen her since I left the Falcon."

~*~

_"Celes." Locke called, and the ex-general turned around. "Where will you be going, now that everyone's leaving?"_

She shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe I'll stay with Terra, maybe I'll go off on my own to find work."

"You could come with me."

Celes looked surprised. "Why?"

"Because I…" he started to say it, then stopped. "I don't know, maybe you could come treasure-hunting with me." He gave a smile, knowing it was hollow.

"Thanks for the offer, but no. I need time to be alone."

"Okay… maybe I'll see you again sometime, Celes."

"Goodbye."

Locke jumped down the ladder and walked into Kolinghen, not looking back at her.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

*hehe, I kept writing, 'the large black god'. And why do you think Locke cut the fingers out of his gloves?


	4. That's *Treasure Hunter!*

A/N: I'm just writing these chapters one after the other with no input in between for various reasons – a) FFN is messing up, but that's nothing new. And b) I got barred from the internet for a week for putting it on automatic dialup so I wouldn't have to know the password to get connected. The password got changed, and I have to try and live till then. It doesn't help that I lent my Playstation to my brother for a few weeks – I'll be lucky to get it by the end of July. (nobody in my family is very prompt). 

PLUS, my mother has decided that my friends are descended from Satan or something or other, so every time I go out and do something I have to give a detailed explanation about where I'm going, who'll be there, what we'll be doing, and when we get back. And if Aaron is going, she says, then I'm not. Anyway, all this amounts to a helluva lot of free time, and I burn it by fucking around on a word processor. God that does not sound good… (you've got to have a sick mind to get it).

Disclaimer: You've seen it before, it ain't mine.

****

Shadows of the Past

Chapter 3: That's _Treasure Hunter!_

"So why are you here, anyway?" Locke asked. It was perhaps the third or fourth day Shadow had been here, and the thief was already starting to annoy him with his questions.

"Why shouldn't I be here?" Shadow replied.

"Well, what are you going to do here?" Locke persisted.

"Right now, I'm having my dinner."

"I give up!" Locke threw up his hands. "You're impossible!"

"Thank God for that."

"What, me giving up, or you being impossible?"

Shadow didn't even dignify that with a response. He was finding it increasingly difficult to keep up his image with Locke buzzing around him like a fly. "I thought you'd given up with the questions." 

"I haven't. Is this typical of assassins, to be so damned incomprehensible?"

"Is it typical of thieves to be so damned annoying?" Shadow growled.

"That's _treasure hunter!_" Locke stood up and yelled so loud the innkeeper blinked and looked over in their direction, asking if anything was wrong. Shadow shook his head and motioned for Locke to sit down.

"And that's Shadow, to you."

Locke sat down and blinked. "What?"

"I'm not an assassin anymore. Just Shadow."

"You sure look the part."

"I like the reactions I get. Anyway, I'm used to it."

Locke had been talking to Shadow for a full fifteen minutes, and realized this was the most words he had ever heard come out of the ex-assassin's mouth at one time, possibly ever. "What's with the conversation?" he asked. "You never seemed to talk at all, before. The most I could say about you was you said more than Gogo."

"Maybe you never tried to talk."

Locke was silent. Shadow had always been the odd one in the group. Never said much, kept disappearing and then showing up in the most unexpected places. Locke had never really known anything about him, and had been too caught up in his own worries to even wonder. He still didn't even really know who this man in black who called himself 'Shadow' was.

They sat in silence for a long time, before Locke broke it. "What's your name?"

Shadow looked up, mildly surprised. "What?"

"Your name. What is it, really? I can't think of any mother in the world who would name her kid Shadow."

Shadow looked down at his cup for a while. "I haven't told anyone my born name in over ten years."

"God, is it that bad?" Locke grinned.

Shadow's face broke into a slow smirk. "Hell, it can't be any worse than Locke."

"HEY! I resent that!" Locke threw a piece of bread that had been lying on the counter, and Shadow deftly caught it.

"I'll give you three guesses." Shadow threw the bread back at him, hitting Locke between the eyes.

"Give me a hint!" 

"It rhymes with bide."

"Hide. Adelaide. Formaldehyde!"

Shadow smirked. "Wrong on three counts. I guess you'll never know, thief-boy."

"That's treasure hunter!" Locke said dangerously. 

Shadow just smiled and leaned against the wall on his seat, raising two of the barstool legs off the ground.

"You're gonna fall on your ass if you keep leaning the stool like that," Locke warned. Shadow sat like that for a few moments, then, in one fluid movement, Locke bent over and pulled the bottom rung of Shadow's stool, tipping the stool and Shadow onto the floor.

Shadow fell with a clatter and looked up at Locke. He went through surprise, fury at himself for being such a moron, and finally joined Locke in laughing his head off. "That was very immature."

"I know." Locke smirked. 

"You'd better be glad I'm mature enough not to take revenge," Shadow remarked, getting up ad taking his seat again. Before Locke knew it, he was on the floor with his stool tipped over and Shadow was laughing at _him._ "Or not."

"Boys, boys, boys. Such rough play. Settle down before I have to sit you in the corner."

Locke scrambled to his feet and turned around. In front of him was a green-haired woman clad in plain, brown, practical clothes and cloak. Her hair was tied up in a no-nonsense ponytail and the sparkle in her eye said that she lived her life to the fullest and enjoyed every moment of it. "Terra?"

"No, it's her long-lost twin." Terra's attitude and sense of humor and lightened up enormously since her days as a sword-swinging, Ultima-casting, half-esper screaming banshee. She seemed genuinely content with her life and saw beauty in everything, and was everything Locke could want as the best friend he had ever had since Rachel. She was _only_ a friend though, and made that clear. Locke personally thought she had a hankering for a certain young king, but when he had asked she had only smiled and said, "If that's what you want to think go right ahead, but I'm perfectly happy on my own." He had long since given up trying to figure out if she was interested in anybody.

"I haven't seen you in… eight months!"

"I never moved anywhere, you're the one who keeps getting lost."

"Getting lost!" Locke cried. "Anyways, speaking of getting lost, have you seen any of the old group lately? I came up here to look for the moogle cave and see if I could find Umaro, but it's been too damned cold to go up into the caves and look for them."

Terra smiled reminiscently. "Oh, that overgrown teddybear. Him and Mog were always so funny."

"Overgrown teddybear! You've got to be kidding…"

"Oh!" Terra interrupted. "Locke, I didn't tell you she'd be coming, she's just outside taking care of the chocobos, but…"

Locke had stopped paying attention long ago. The door to the inn opened, and a woman in thick furs stepped in. She closed the door behind her and let down her hood, revealing ice-blonde hair held up in a blue bandana. She took off her white cloak, showing that she was dressed in a thicker and plainer version of her usual – green shirt and darker green pants with heavy winter boots that went up to her knees. She turned towards him, and gave him a little smile.

God, she had a gorgeous smile.

"Hello, Celes," he said, holding out his hand to her. "I haven't seen you in a while." She took his hand and shook it firmly, the way she always had – but maybe, a little warmer this time? Maybe, when she smiled, she meant it, this time?

Celes looked at him and smiled again. "Well, if you're always this far north, it's no wonder."

As Shadow sat in the corner finishing his meal he watched them greet each other, saying nothing and melting into the background. He felt as if there was something he had missed there, something that was between Locke, Terra, Celes… had been between everyone then. Everyone but him. 

He'd always stayed on the outskirts, watching things happen as if he was watching it through someone else's eyes, not his own. He wasn't really there, he was off in some other place, sitting with his head in his hands, oblivious to the world around him. Then, he'd never really cared. He hadn't cared about anything, then… everything had been forced, mechanical. He'd been living in a sort of daze, then.. sometimes he awoke from the daze, and when he did, he generally holed up in an inn and got so hammered that in the morning when he awoke everything went out of his mind except his stomach and the privy hole. It had sometimes occurred to him that maybe when he felt this way it felt so strange for exactly that reason… it _felt. _For a man who thought he'd killed his emotions, Shadow knew exactly what he was missing out on, with them being so happy together, laughing and hugging. It was something he had never wanted to feel for ten years.

It was love.

~*~

Cheesy, I know. By the way, If you so choose to give me _constructive_ criticism, I will feel very enlightened, but if you flame me, I will hunt you down, find out your email, and send you pictures of Barney the Dinosaur eating McDonalds food!! (eew!) I'm so threatening, I know… And _hell_ if I know what color Celes' bandana is.


	5. Blood Stains Never Wash Out

And on I go… so now I've heard that FFN won't be fully operational for like, weeks, and I have to live with it till then. Ah, well….

Remialcsid: Enim ton, S'tfoserauqs si ffuts eht lla. (All the stuff is Squaresoft's, not mine – got to be original, you know.)

****

Shadows of the Past

Chapter 4: Blood Stains Never Wash Out

Shadow shoveled another drift of snow and flung it over his shoulder, wondering why he had started this in the first place. _Ah, yes, I remember. I distinctly remember saying that I was bored to tears and doing some solid physical labor would get me back into shape. _Unfortunately, Shadow had not taken into account the freezing cold, the wet feet, and the aching back that usually accompanied hours of snow-shoveling.

The incessant storms that had been plaguing Narshe had finally subsided, but they left behind a helluva lot of snow. Larger drifts came up to Shadow's shoulders or even higher – a lot of shoveling needed to be done. Eventually Shadow got himself into the rhythm, and he had to admit it was a lot better than sitting in an inn, growing steadily more depressed. He found that if he didn't have some occupation for his body, then his mind would rove off onto topics he would rather not think about.

"Interceptor," he said to his dog, who was napping on one of the firmer drifts, "You don't know how lucky you are to be a dog, and not have hands to shovel."

Since Locke, Terra, and Celes were staying here as well, the small inn was getting rather full, and they had moved up to the empty shack on the eastern side of town. Locke said it had once been the hidey-hole of the famous thief, Lone Wolf. What the thief had neglected to mention was the cold drafts, massive drifts of snow, and the hole in the roof. Locke had set himself on repairing that hole, and Shadow was stuck with snow-shoveling. Celes was shoveling farther down the path, and Terra was cleaning up the interior. 

After what had seemed like (and probably was) hours of back-breaking labor, Shadow's path broke into Celes's, and he returned indoors to thaw himself.

~*~

"How long are you going to be here, Terra?" Locke asked. "I'm here all winter – got no real reason to go anywhere else, and I don't really want to try and travel in this weather."

Terra shook her head. "I'm only here until the pathway south is clear again, then I'm going to Figaro castle. I want to get _warm_ again!" 

Locke opened his mouth to say something inappropriate, thought better of it, and asked Celes the same question he had Terra.

"I'm in no real hurry to go anywhere, either, but I don't want to stay all winter. I'll stay maybe a month, until the weather lightens up, then I want to go to back to Jidoor. I may stop in some cities along the way, though, so it will take me quite a while."

"Back to?" Locke looked surprised. "So that's where you've been all this time. I went there once, though, and you weren't there."

"No, not all this time. I stayed with Setzer for a while, and he took me to the Solitary Island to pick up Grandpa. We took him to Jidoor and I stayed there for a while, left to visit and few people, and came back for the rest of the year."

Locke shrugged his shoulders. "I missed you, then, but you're here, now. What _I_ really want to know is where some of the old group are."

"I know," said Terra wistfully. "Even though it was hard, and our lives were always at risk, we were still always together. Then all of us went our separate ways, and I missed it all." She suddenly snapped her fingers. "You know who I _haven't_ seen in the longest while? Relm and Strago! Thamasa is just so out-of-the-way that I completely forgot about them."

Locke rolled his eyes. "How could you forget Relm? That girl was the brattiest and most annoying kid I've ever seen in my life. I'd never forget her antics with that old man."

"Watch out, Locke, he might come after you with his staff for saying that." Celes cracked one of her rare smiles, making Locke's insides melt.

"We should all take a boat there – or better yet, I'll see if I can hunt down Setzer. Maybe I can bribe him to give us a ride."

Locke chuckled. "What, have Celes marry him so that we can hitch a ride? Deja-vu." 

Terra grinned back. "So waddaya say, as soon as the snow melts, we all see if we can get to Thamasa, how about you, Shadow?" Shadow looked up, startled. He hadn't said anything all through the conversation, though he had caught the bits about going to Thamasa. 

Suddenly he froze up, realizing what that would entail. No – he wasn't ready yet. He'd never be ready to face that old man. As soon as Strago knew, he'd heap on the guilt that Shadow knew he wasn't ready to take.

"Shadow?" He realized that the room had been silent for a long pause.

"No." He got up and turned away. "I can't go yet." Not trusting his self-control, he left swiftly, breaking into a run as soon as he was out of sight. Interceptor whined but followed as he ran to a deep drift behind the house where he wouldn't be seen. He was wet, it was cold, and he didn't really care. As he kneeled down in the snow, he regretted what he'd done. Couldn't he have just said yes, gone along with the whole mess? But no, and he knew why. Because he was a coward, and even after a year of indecision he couldn't face what he had left behind. So he just sat there, with his head in his hands, and the water slowly seeping into his boots.

"Shadow?" He looked up, wondering who was stupid or compassionate enough to come follow him out into the snow. Funny enough, it was Celes – the last person he'd have thought to be either stupid _or_ compassionate. He didn't answer, knowing that if he told her to go away he'd sound like a child moping after a tantrum.

"Are you okay?" she said awkwardly, then paused for a moment. "You know, it's really easy to find you wearing all black on white snow. I guess the black usually works for camouflage at night and stuff but…" she realized she was blabbering, and shut up.

"You want to know what the black's really for?" Shadow said suddenly after a moment of silence. "So you can't see the blood stains. You can never get out blood stains."

Celes said nothing, and only kneeled down in front of him. 

"No matter how dark you clothes are…" Shadow continued. "The blood stains will always show. They will show in the things you do, in the things you say, and the way you carry yourself. You start to see the people you wronged everywhere, staring out at you from behind newspapers, sitting in the opera house, selling you weapons. You can't ever get away."

Celes looked away into the forest. "They sometimes come in dreams. To the point where you're afraid to sleep but you know you have to." She looked Shadow in the face. "We've all made mistakes, we've all got blood on our hands. Do you think any one of us is innocent? We've all got some secret to hide, and it comes out at one time or another. Sometimes it leaves us dead. Sometimes it just makes us wish we were." She smiled wryly at Shadow. "Maybe one day we'll all know who you are, but right now I think I'm satisfied with knowing that you're human, just like the rest of us."

If she could have seen his face, she might have seen the tiny smile lying there. "Right now my human body is telling me that my feet are about to fall off and my nose is probably turning red from the cold."

"Are you coming in?"

"I have some things to do, first." Celes turned away and started to head back.

"Wait! Tell Locke…" Celes turned around. "Tell him my name is Clyde." She raised her eyebrow at him. "He wanted to know." 

Celes just shook her head and smiled, turning back to the house. Shadow waded through the snow drifts, whistling for Interceptor to follow.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


	6. Ice Queen

Damn FFN… that thing is REALLY starting to annoy me now… grr… KILLKILLKILLKILL!! I think I'm alright now… argh….

Dissy-Claimy: Noney ofy thisy stuffy isy miney soy don'ty suey mey (Y latin…?)

****

Shadows of the Past

Chapter 5: Ice Queen

Celes stood on the balcony, overlooking the sparkling white vista below her, leaning against the railing in thought. Her thoughts didn't really follow any one track… it was more just her enjoyment of the scenery, of being here, and taking in all of it that she could. She was so entranced by the picture before her that she didn't even notice when Locke stepped up beside her and leaned against the railing as well. 

"Beautiful, isn't it." It was a statement, and Celes had to admit there was no denying it.

"It's beautiful when you look at it now, but trudging through it, you'll sing a different tune," Celes commented wryly.

Locke chuckled. "I suppose so. But that's not what I came to talk about."

"What, then?"

"Celes…" he trailed off. "I'm not very good at being blunt. But this past year… I missed you, more than I cared to admit to myself. I dread at sounding cliched and cheesy by saying "we've been through a lot together", but it's true. I just…"

Celes started to smile. "You just what."

"I love you, Celes." There. It was out. She could laugh at him all that she wanted to now. He felt hands on his shoulders and looked up into her eyes. Slowly, hardly daring, he leaned forward and placed his lips on hers, tasting and smelling and feeling the sweet tang that was Celes. Locke slid his hands up her back to clasp the back of her head. He never wanted her to stop, she was so like…

Celes suddenly broke off him and Locke looked askance until he saw that the sliding door to the balcony had opened. Shadow stood there for a moment, startled – "sorry –" then backed out, sliding the door closed behind him.

~*~

Shadow wasn't really surprised – Locke had never been that subtle in his intentions, the only one who had never noticed was Celes. But that wasn't really surprising; she was quite naïve when it came to matters of the heart, and it showed in her cold attitude. Shadow was slightly embarrassed at having interrupted them, and wondered how a cocky trickster like Locke had ever roped in an Ice Queen like Celes. 

__

He's a funny guy, but he deserves her, I suppose. Shadow shook his head. _Why do I even care? It's their business, not mine. If Locke has finally gotten out of the rut he dug because of Rachel, then good for him… he's found someone else._

~*~

The days in Narshe passed pretty slowly for Shadow, but somehow he got by. He could get through the long winter nights as long as he had some hard, physical labor to occupy his body during the day. By nightfall he was always too exhausted to think about anything – and also too exhausted to be woken by the noises in Locke's room late at night. 

Terra left shortly after the trail south was open again, leaving Shadow without anyone he cared to talk to. Locke was becoming increasingly annoying and Shadow just didn't want to talk to Celes. He was finding less and less work to occupy himself, leaving him more time than he liked to think.

One particularly troublesome night, he couldn't seem to sleep at all. The moment he closed his eyes he kept seeing things – Baram, his face covered in blood, his leg twisted at an unnatural angle – Aysha, her body cold and silent on her bed – Relm, sitting by the window asking, "when's daddy coming home?"

On top of all that, the noises from the next room were grinding on his nerves, and Shadow decided it was too hot inside. He brought one blanket and a down-stuffed pillow outside and brought them to the balcony. The hard wooden floors meant nothing to him – he'd often slept with nothing but the clothes on his back on bare paved streets. 

He lay down and closed his eyes, trying to sleep… but the images seemed burned onto the inside of his eyelids. His eyes snapped open and he stood up, looking at the very same view that Celes had weeks before.

"Will I never be free?" he asked the horizon. "Can't I ever forget? This is ridiculous…" He'd never even seen Relm sitting by the window, asking when daddy was coming home… the image came unbidden into his mind. 

Shadow didn't know how long he stood there, looking at nothing, trying to think of the same. Get his mind of that track… this was one of his worse nights. He couldn't remember having one so bad since that night after the Phantom Train, after he had left Sabin and Cyan. Seeing Cyan like that, after the death of his family, had brought all of his memories flooding back, having him think, _That could have been me. That could have been be standing there on the platform, running after a wife and kid that would never come back…_ so he'd left. Those two were competent; they could live on their own.

Usually what he did on nights like this was get drunk enough to knock him out, just to get an undisturbed sleep. But somehow he didn't feel like doing that right now.

"Hey." He hadn't even noticed when she snuck up on him. _I must be getting soft,_ he thought. "How long have you been out here?"

"I don't know." He shrugged. "Shouldn't you be inside with Locke?"

"He's asleep. I don't think he realizes…"

"What?"

Celes turned to face him. "What he feels. You know, the first time we made love, he kept saying, 'Rachel, Rachel.' I didn't say anything… I was afraid to hurt him. He's so sensitive – he never forgot her, not even for a moment. Sometimes – hell, most of the time – I think that he forgets I'm Celes. He just sees me as a Rachel Replacement." 

Somehow Shadow could even hear the capital letters, and on some level, was slightly amused. Thinking of nothing to say, he kept silent. 

"I'm not sure if I can handle that… but you know, the biggest thing about it? I always thought, if I fell in love, then having sex would feel different." 

Shadow just gave her a raised eyebrow. "The Ice Queen thought about falling in love?"

She shook her head. "It sounds stupid, I know. But hell, I'm not a virgin, and wasn't one way before I met Locke. None of my lovers ever meant anything to me… it was just a physical pleasure, and we both knew it. What scares me is that with Locke, it doesn't feel much different. I don't even know why I'm saying this to you, you probably wouldn't even…" she trailed off and blushed, knowing Shadow could take offense from her words.

"Believe it or not, Ice-Woman, I was once in love." Thinking he had said too much, Shadow stopped.

"What happened?"

"She died."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It's stupid to feel bad about other people – you'll spend your entire life wishing that something else had happened, that you had done something else, and you can never change it. It's a bloody waste of time."

Celes's voice betrayed nothing. "But we all do it anyway. Every day I think of what I did with my life, the way I destroyed in systematic order, and felt nothing. Don't think you're special just because your life is a failure too."

That was a verbal slap in the face. "You don't know fuck about it."

She smirked. "Of course I don't know fuck about it, because you never tell anyone anything. You try and put up all this 'mysterious assassin' bullshit, give us this image so that you never have to explain yourself. Everyone else eventually spilled their guts on their past, but you just kept your mouth shut and thought none of us ever noticed when you woke up at night sweating and about to scream."

"You want to know? Really? I'm flattered that you care." Shadow's voice dripped sarcasm.

"No. I'm damn sure it's pretty bad, if you're being this bullheaded about it. But if you don't tell someone soon I have a feeling that you're going to jump off a balcony one of these days."

Shadow rolled his eyes. "I wouldn't jump off a balcony. There's no style in that. My way was to get left behind while Kefka's tower was destroyed."

Celes narrowed her eyes. "I'm not surprised. What stopped you?"

"I was dissuaded at the last moment."

"See!" Celes threw up her arms. "You hedge everything. I'd be bloody shocked if you ever gave a straight answer in your life."

"I have no need and no desire to tell anyone anything."

"You're so goddamn cold."

"Hypocrisy at work," Shadow said. "How amazing it is – usable in any situation under the sun! Get your freshly harvested hypocrisy today, only fifteen gil a bag!"

Celes didn't waver. "I'm a helluva lot nicer than I was a year ago. You, like the little baby you are, refuse to change."

"I wouldn't call your attitude 'nice' by any stretch of imagination."

"Fuck you."

"Sorry I can't accept that offer, but I'm quite flattered." Shadow grinned under his mask.

Celes just gritted her teeth. "I like it better when you're trying to be cold than when you're trying to be funny."

"Since when did I cater to your likes and dislikes? I do what I please, and owe allegiance to no-one."

"I've heard that crap a million times before. And you've sidetracked me. I still know nothing about you."

"What do you want to know?"

His sudden compliance startled Celes and made her wary. "Where were you born, for instance."

"South Figaro, if you care."

"Of course I care, why else would I ask?" Celes snapped. "Who was your family?"

Shadow shrugged. "Hell if I know. As far back as I can remember it was just me and Baram… he was older than me, taught me everything he knew. I guess he was a kind of mentor or something to me. I don't know if he was related to me at all, but I doubt it. I think he pitied me and took me in."

"How did you make a living?"

"I stole, of course. What else is there for a homeless kid to do? Picking pockets and house robbery. Eventually we moved on to harder stuff."

"What?" Celes had figured out by now that she was going to have to hammer it out of him bit by bit.

"Train hold-ups. They took forever to plan, but brought in a lot of dough. It was Baram who thought up the name Shadow… who ever heard of famous train-robbers named Baram and Clyde? We called ourselves Shadow, and got a bit notorious with, well, everybody."

"What happened to Baram?"

Shadow suddenly shut up. "It's not important."

"Bullshit. If it wasn't important you wouldn't care and you'd tell me anyway." Celes crossed her arms. She wasn't going to give up on this one.

"He died."

"How?"

"We finally got caught." The words came out haltingly. "When we held up our last train… they were ready for us. We got away, jumped off, but I was injured and Baram was worse. He couldn't even stand up; I'd practically thrown him off the train. I think his leg was broken. He told me to kill him, that it was better than what would happen to him when they caught up to him."

"Did you?" she asked.

"No. I couldn't. I ran."

"What happened after that?"

"I got to a city and healed up. Nothing." He was lying badly, he knew it, and she knew it.

"What _really_ happened?" Celes asked, stubborn.

"Nothing!" He was overreacting now.

"Tell me the truth."

He stared her in the face, silent. For a moment they were nose-to-nose, on impulse, Celes grabbed the front of his hood and pulled it back, tearing down his veil at the same time. He didn't even look surprised.

"Now you see me. See anything you like?" For a moment Celes said nothing, only looking at his face. He had a strong nose, brown, unrecognizable eyes – but what Celes noticed the most was his scars. One scar ran the bridge of his nose, another sliced vertically deep into his cheekbone, but the worst was a massive purplish monster that ran from right below his temple down his neck and disappeared under his shirt.

"How far down does it go?"

He seemed to know what she was talking about. "Halfway down my chest."

"Why do you wear a mask? You're not ugly."

He smirked. "Thanks. But… there are some people who would kill me if they saw my face."

"Anybody I know?" Celes almost joked.

"Maybe."

"Why won't you tell me what happened afterwards?"

"I just won't."

Celes wondered at his stubbornness._ Hypocrisy at work again…_ Then impulse came, and she couldn't deny it. _I seem to be following a lot of impulses lately…_ She reached behind his head and grabbed a handful of hair, yanking his head towards her to plant a kiss on his lips that she really wasn't sure of at all. Shadow made no resistance, and when Celes let him go, just gave her the funniest look.

"If that's supposed to make me talk, then it's not working."

"Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't." _Two can play at this game._

Suddenly he crouched down and picked up his blanket and pillow, then turned away. "I'm leaving Narshe. Now."

"Am I that bad a kisser?"

"No. I just have to leave. Tell Locke that he might see me again sometime."

"How far away is sometime?" Celes asked.

"A year. Maybe less. But I'm not coming back to Narshe."

Celes followed him as he went to his room and packed his few belongings into a single backpack, as well as some food rations she wasn't aware he had. He woke up Interceptor with a nudge of his toe, who had been sleeping on a rug next to the cold fireplace. Celes followed him as he went to the door, and paused.

Celes flipped her tousled hair out of her eyes. "It has something to do with her, doesn't it? When you said you fell in love."

He chose to ignore that comment. "Locke loves you. Take his love. It's something very rare that you should treasure." Shadow opened the door, whistled for his dog, and left, jogging over the frozen vista into the night.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

GOD!! That was FIVE BLOODY PAGES long!! I haven't written anything that long in ages!! 2400 words, no less!! I guess I DID get on a roll. If that seems short to you, just remember, I've never written a chapter longer than six pages, _possibly_ seven. That was a goddamned epic. I have, in the past, written chapters that were _two paragraphs long._ This is my failing: I am incapable of writing an entire fic longer than twenty-five (maybe thirty) pages. Pretty sad, huh… Review anyway.


	7. Desert Aria

A/N: This chapter is a bit silly…

Disclaaaiiimeeer: noooneee ooof theee stuuuff heeereee iiis miiineee!!!

****

Shadows of the Past

Chapter 6: Desert Aria

Mog sat in his cave, in about as bad a mood a moogle can get – which wasn't very bad. He'd _finally_ gotten together all of the other moogles – they'd ran all over the place when the world was destroyed, and he hadn't had to time to look for them all before. At least he wasn't lonely anymore, kupo. But, still, there was his other friends. He hadn't seen them in _ages,_ kupo_._ They'd all gone off on their own to their own homes, and, truth to tell, he missed them. Umaro was still hanging around his cave, and he was fun, kupo, but there were twelve others that he hadn't seen in like, a _year!_ Then, when he found out that Thief-Boy, Mask-Man, Lightning-Leotard and Lettuce-Top were here, and not even coming to see him – ! Kupo!

So he'd sat in a huff for a _whole hour_, then decided he was going to look for them. Pulling out is spear (you never knew what was out there, you had to defend yourself, you know) and straightening out his pom-pom, Mog bid farewell to his moogle kingdom – Kupo kupopo! kuupo ku, ku kupo pokuku!! (I'm going on a trip to look for my friends, see you guys later).

Hop-flying (the way most moogles like to walk) down the mines of Narshe, Mog came out on the bridge and started to look for his friends. His sixth moogle-sense led him to a slightly run-down, but cozy house. He hop-flew across the snow, landing on the doorstep and skidding a bit on the ice – kupo! He placed his spear carefully down on the ground and knocked three times. 

Celes opened the door, looking around. Was this some kind of prank, there was no-one –"

"HEY! Down here, Kupo!" Mog said.

"Mog!" Celes cried. "It's nice to see you!"

Mog did a moogle's pout, his pom-pom drooping down in front of his eyes. "You guys didn't visit me, kupo. You hurt my feelings, kupo."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Mog," Celes said. "We just didn't have the time –"

"Well then MAKE the time, kupo!" Mog leaned his spear on the inside doorframe and bounced in, grinning. 

Fluttering a bit, Mog landed on the sofa. "So, kupo, who's here?"

Celes shook her head. "Just me and Locke, now. Terra left over a month ago, and Shadow left yesterday."

"Just you and Locke, huh? Making lots of kupo, eh?" Mog did a moogle-smirk.

Celes shrugged. "Maybe."

"I want the details, kupo!"

"No you don't." Locke walked in, grinning. "Do I hear endless kupos? Mog!" Locke fell on his behind as Mog ran-flew into his stomach, knocking him over. "Oof."

"Thief-Boy, kupo!" 

"Call me TREASURE HUNTER!" Locke thought the moogle was too cute to add the 'or I'll rip your lungs out' part.

"Kupo, Thief-Boy!"

"Aargh…"

~*~

Mog stayed for a while, amusing Locke and Celes with his antics, but after a few days bid them farewell, wanting to find Lettuce-Top, since she was going to see Muscle-Man and Edgar. Edgar didn't have a funny name – with a real name like Edgar, who needed a funny one? Besides, Mog and Edgar had some things in common, and Mog thought he was cool, kupo.

So Mog said his goodbyes, kupo, and hop-flew across the snow (he was so small the crust didn't break under his weight) towards the desert and Figaro Castle. There were a few monsters along the way, but nothing that he couldn't take care of with his trusty spear, kupo! 

This desert place was kupoing _hot. _(Please excuse Mog's profanity, kupo). Mog was sweating through his nice kupo-kup (egg-white) fur. The guards at this castle seemed too dazed and amused to stop him coming in – who was afraid of a moogle, kupo! (Of course Mog was another, story, though).

So the king of moogles just waltzed (literally!) right into Figaro castle. Right when he entered the throne room, who did he see but Edgar and Muscle-Man, happily conversing with Lettuce-Top! 

~*~

"KUPO!!!" Sabin didn't even register the noise before he fell with an 'oof!' on his backside.

"Mog?"

"Who else would it be, kupo?! My long-lost twin, kupo?!"

Edgar scratched his chin. "Long-lost twin… that sounds familiar…" Sabin grinned.

"Mog!" cried Terra. "I haven't seen you since we all split up! What have you been doing since then?"

"Well, kupo, all my moogles were split up, running away into hiding-places, kupo! So I have to look for them all, kupo! Now I've found everybody, and I'm bored, kupo! So I say to myself, I'm gonna go looking for the others, kupo! I find Thief-Boy and Lightning-Leotard in Narshe, but Lettuce-Top and Mask-Man have left, kupo! I couldn't find Mask-Man, kupo…" his pom-pom drooped.

"It's all right, Mog." Terra patted his head. "Shadow disappears like that."

"HEY! I'm not a moglet anymore!! I can pat my own head!!" Mog scrunched up his face and patted his head, to prove his point. For some reason or another (he couldn't figure out why) they all started laughing.

"It's really nice of you to be here, Mog, really." Terra choked back further laughter. 

~*~

"I've been handling spears since you were in diapers, Mog. Compared to my prowess, you're nothing." Edgar said in a smug tone.

Mog did a moogle-grin. "You'd think with all that practice, kupo, you could actually hit something with that spear of yours!" 

Edgar rolled his eyes. "But _my_ kingdom is waay bigger than yours will ever be. Come on, you've got to admit that."

"Your _kingdom?_ Excuse me, kupo, but I rule over the finest moogles in the whole kupoing world! All you've got is, what, hundreds of square miles of land and a few thousand people, kupo. There's just no comparison, kupo!" Mog was stubborn.

"…"

"Tell you what, kupo. I'll quite while I'm ahead. Lets go with me just being kinda better than you, instead of mopping the floor with your kupo."

"…"

~*~

Mog stayed for a few days, as before, and then continued on his journey to find all his friends, leaving behind an amused Terra, Edgar, and Sabin.

"That Mog is quite amusing." Edgar commented as the moogle went on his way.

"A regular comedian," Sabin said dryly. "He should do standup in front of a live audience."

Edgar grinned. "With Mog, it's never regular."

~*~

If there was one really good thing that Terra could say about Figaro Castle, it was the food. No more trail rations, no more watery soups and bread that was burnt on the outside and raw on the inside. She was tempted just to stay here just for the food.

"You eat like a king here, and I have to eat beans and bread! May I repeat, it's _not_ fair!" Terra shoveled another forkful of whatever-kind-of-stew-it-was-this-time with rice.

"Watch out, brother, she's eating like me!" Sabin joked. "You're going to pay a fortune in food bills, I know it!"

"I _am_ a king, that's why I eat like one. But you can stay here, if you like." Edgar suggested. "_I_ certainly wouldn't object." He gave her a wink. 

Terra looked annoyed. "Look, enough with the flirting, I'm not interested."

Sabin raised an eyebrow. "I think you hit a nerve, brother. Quit before you mess it up more."

Edgar munched thoughtfully. "Having romantic troubles, Terra? Just ask the Master of Loove." 

Sabin gagged. "You're no more the "Master of Loove" than I am a moogle." Edgar just laughed and tossed him a kupo nut. Sabin continued the charade by cracking the nut open and eating it, saying 'kupo' between every bite and spraying nut on the table.

"Argh, eat with your mouth closed, Sabin!" Edgar wiped a piece of kupo nut off his face.

"Sorry, kupo, no can do, kupo!" Sabin took another kupo nut from the bowl.

Edgar shrugged. "I guess that _does _make me the Master of Loove." He turned to Terra. "So, pilgrim, what's your problem?"

Terra's mood had not lightened, even through Edgar and Sabin's banter. "Nothing you can do anything about."

Edgar waggled his finger. "Are you doubting my abilities? Please, Terra, indulge me. Who is this mystery man who has caught your fancy?"

"I'm not saying anything. It's personal."

"Come on, Terra. Anyone I know?" He persisted.

"Knew."

"Oh." Edgar's attitude turned around sharply. "He's dead."

"Yes. Just let it go, OK?" Terra wouldn't look at his face.

"It's Leo, isn't it."

"Yes. Happy now?" She crossed her arms.

"No. I'm not happy if you aren't, Terra."

Terra rolled her eyes. "That sounds really cheesy and clichéd, you know."

Edgar shook his head. "I'm serious. You're my friend, Terra. Friends aren't happy when their friends aren't. I just wanted to know… I hardly knew General Leo. But you spent a lot of time with the Empire. I wanted to know if, maybe, you remembered him from before."

Terra let out a breath she hadn't even realized she'd been holding. "Yes. I knew him… very well. Most of my time in the Empire, you know, I didn't have a slave crown. It wasn't until I started resisting… when I was about sixteen. Before then, I was perfectly willing. I remember Celes, vaguely. We never did spend much time together, I don't know, but I guess she considered me weak, because I would show my emotions openly. Well, by Empire standards, anyway. Celes would never even give anyone the time of day. She was very ambitious, and never thought very highly of 'men and their pride'.

Kefka was always an asshole, even back when he was sane. I don't know what made him crack or why, or even exactly when it happened, but after some point in time he was never together mentally. He always had horrible taste in makeup, and his clothes were atrocious. We used to make bets on what color he'd wear – he liked to get a new color every day, but his favorite was red. The color of fresh blood, he'd say.

Gestahl, now, that guy was damned ambitious, but sane. He knew what he wanted and exactly how to get it, with the least amount of effort and money. Gestahl was nothing if not efficient. He never really bothered me so much as Kefka. He just wanted to rule, not destroy.

Leo… how could I put this? He was always so goddamn humanitarian, pissed a lot of people off. I don't know how or why he started with the Empire; he was as out of place there as a tonberry in a chocobo nest. Or, rather, a chocobo in a tonberry nest. Do tonberries have nests…? Anyway, I think it was some kind of family thing for him, but once he started he followed Gestahl out of loyalty. Leo was unbelievably loyal, and that's what killed him. He refused to believe the man he served was evil.

I knew Leo the best out of all of them. We were lovers. I don't know what he saw in me, but I sure as hell know what I saw in him. He was possibly the greatest human being I've ever met in my life. We kept it under the ivy bush; hell knows what something like that could do to your reputation. And shit like that can _always_ be used against you by your enemies – mostly Kefka. 

When I started to realize what the Empire was doing and wanted to rebel, Leo wouldn't have any part of it. He was sure there was a fair and logical reason behind everything the Empire did. Right before they put the slave crown on me… he told me that everything had gone between us and none of the past year had ever happened. Once I escaped, I thought that I'd never see him again. As you know, I was wrong. When I saw him again on the boat to Thamasa, everything came flooding back. I wanted to say I was sorry – but what would I say that I was sorry for? I still think that he was the one who was wrong. But maybe I just wanted him to say that he loved me again. I really don't know." 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Another epic for you.

I said tonberry, not pug, because godammit they've always been TONBERRIES and not pugs, and I don't know why the hell the translators changed it for VI. It's been tonberries for V, VII and VIII, and I'm pretty damn sure all the other ones, too. It irks me, it really does. That and the Malboro thing. (It's MALBORO, not Morbol or any other crap you come up with!!)


	8. General Leo, I Understand

I wonder how long this thing is gonna be… don't ask me, I dunno!! Mm… some mild references to Sabin's preferences, but nothing near hardcore. I just like to give warning.

Disclaimer: It all belongs to the Squaresoft company

It don't be long to me, to me

Credit goes to them, can't you see…?

****

Shadows of the Past

Chapter 7: General Leo, I Understand

Edgar and, to a lesser extent, Sabin, listened attentively to Terra's story on her background in the Empire. Neither of them had ever even had a hint of any of it before, and were, with good reason, quite surprised, almost shocked. 

"I'm sorry, Terra… I didn't know." Edgar said awkwardly. 

Terra shook her head. "Don't be sorry. There was no way you could have known. I just wish we could have parted on better terms, that's all."

"A bit of an understatement." Sabin tried to lighten the mood a bit. He hadn't taken part in the conversation up until that point, as he was quite uncomfortable with that sort of thing.

"Look, there's really nothing you can do – just let it go, okay?" Terra resumed eating, as her food was quite cold by this point.

Sabin shrugged, not wanting to appear callous, but he was hungry, and dug in as well. 

Only Edgar left his food untouched. "I have some work to do, I can talk to you guys later."

~*~

It was late at night, and the King of Figaro was trying to organize some of his work on agricultural conditions and crops. He knew he should leave this sort of work to his Chancellor, and it really wasn't necessary for him to personally do the work himself, but he wanted to get his mind off things. Mostly, off Terra.

It wasn't working.

__

Okay, I'll admit it, I've… more than liked her for quite a long time. She was always so vulnerable, in need of care, yet completely capable at the same time. I guess she never saw me as any more than a flirt – like the way I was (and still am, for that matter) with more women than I can keep track of right now. She never really seemed interested in romance, she was more focused on her job than anything, though she had always had time for her friends. I guess now I know why she wasn't interested. Dammit. Maybe I should just let go of it, look for someone else. I never thought I could stick to one woman anyway, maybe it's better this way…

Bullshit. I'm still crazy about her, maybe I'll get over it sooner or later.

I'm hoping sooner.

~*~

Edgar, not really caring anymore about his paperwork, decided to go outside and sit on the sand, it might relax him. The night was cool, but not terribly so, and the desert was silent save for the quiet noises of the desert animals. He was surprised to see his brother outside as well, sitting with his knees tucked up against his chest, looking at the stars.

"Edgar." Sabin hadn't even turned around to look.

Edgar smiled wryly. "How did you know it was me?"

"The way you walk. Like you're trying to be quiet and failing miserably." Edgar cracked a smile at that. They sat in silence for a while, just looking at the sky.

"Why are you out here?" Edgar asked.

"I could ask the same of you." Sabin replied. "I just like to be here, and look at the stars. It keeps me humble, you know? It reminds me that really, I'm nothing, even with ten years of Blitz training and being the prince of Figaro and saving the world…" he trailed off and chuckled. "See what I mean? It reminds me that I'm just a person, living, here, like everyone else on the planet."

"I never knew you were into such deep stuff." 

Sabin shrugged. "Whatever. Why are you out here?"

"I was thinking about things. Couldn't sleep. Wanted to relax, I guess."

"Like what things? Or… women, I should say."

"You're psychic, aren't you, Sabin? Somewhere in that Blitz training, they teach you mind-reading, don't they?"

Sabin chuckled. "No, I can just read you like a piece of paper. You're really obvious when you're mooning over some woman. Who is it this time, brother?"

"You're going to wheedle it all out of me anyway, so I might as well tell you it's Terra." Edgar rested his chin on his fist.

"Still? I thought you'd gotten over her ages ago."

"It's easier not to think about something when it's not shoved in your face."

"Mm."

"You never had a girlfriend, Sabin, you're lucky. I never got to pester you about this sort of thing."

Sabin shook his head. "I never wanted a girlfriend."

"Why? They're great." Edgar grinned.

"I'm just… not interested in them. Lay off, okay?"

Edgar was surprised at his brother's vehemence. "Whoa… whatever, Sabin. I'm going inside."

Sabin sat perfectly still on the sand as his brother went back into the castle. Maybe… one day he'd be ready to tell Edgar the truth. One day, but not yet.

~*~

While Sabin and Edgar where having their midnight conversation, Terra sat at her window, looking at the very same stars the brothers were. Her conversation with Edgar had brought things back… 

__

I'd just fooled myself into thinking I'd gotten over him, I guess. Edgar didn't really say anything that I hadn't expected – he'd probably suggest I 'take a little pleasure to ease the pain', meaning himself, of course. Oh, it's not like I don't think his intentions are pure, I'm just not interested in him. Pure and simple, I like him as a friend, the way I like Locke. I don't think I could ever fall in love again the way I was with Leo… and if I did, it would be with someone completely different in appearance and attitude and everything. Otherwise, anything the potential lover did would just remind me of Leo.

Like with Locke. Edgar's told me a lot about Rachael… Locke too. I don't think Celes realizes how much she is like Rachael was. She just masks that with her typical cold attitude, which melts and cracks more every day. It's not good for her or Locke – I feel so sorry for him, really. He still carries the blame, though it isn't half as bad as it was a couple of years ago. I feel more sorry for them than I do for myself. I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. I'm not sure about much these days.

I guess I'll just have to accept that Leo is gone, and he's going to stay that way. Maybe he forgave me before he died, in that last moment before Kefka and Gestahl beat his brains in. Maybe he remembered me, and felt regretful for what could have been.

Nah.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


	9. En Route to Nowhere

I HATE MY COMPUTER!! I HATE MICROSOFT!! My stupid, stupid, STUPID computer keeps FUCKING up to HELL!!! THREE TIMES, Microsoft gave me some dumb excuse about errors and restarted the internet, erasing all the work I hadn't saved on my site!! THEN, it gave me the EVIL BLUE SCREEN and I had to restart the entire MOTHERFUCKING COMPUTER!!!!

Okay, I think I've settled down now. The moral of this story is: save, save, and save some more until you get CRAMPS from hitting ctrl-S. That, and get a decent computer.

Disclaimer: none OF this STUFF here IS mine IT all BELONGS to SQUARESOFT so DON'T sue ME.

****

Shadows of the Past

Chapter 8: En Route to Nowhere

Shadow wasn't quite sure where he was going, or if he cared. He just wanted to be on the road again, with the earth under his feet and the wind at his back. Everything was so much simpler when he traveled. When you're stationary, in one place, you've just got too much goddamn time on your hands. You spend so much time in one place with the same people that once you have to leave it all, you don't want to go. You feel tied down, trapped there with them just because you don't want to leave. You're stuck there for the rest of your life because it hurts too much to let them go.

But mostly, Shadow just didn't want to see any people. People going about their daily business, people loving, playing, building, creating, living. They only served as a reminder that Shadow had stopped living years ago. 

Living hurts too much.

~*~

Setzer, the wandering gambler and card-player extraordinaire, stood at the bow of his ship with the wind whistling through his hair and a grin on his face. It had been so long since he'd had the time to do just this – flying around, going nowhere, but flying just for the sake of flying. The past few months Setzer had spent remodeling the Falcon. Not the hull and the engine, that had been Daryl's work of art, and a kick-ass work of art at that – but the interior. His old Blackjack had had a full interior casino, and he'd lost it with the ship. The slot machines, the blackjack and poker tables, the dice and roulette, the matched sets of personalized playing cards as well as his collection of antique playing cards, said to be owned by the great One-Eyed Jack, the best poker player who had ever lived. 

All Setzer had had left was a few decks of battle cards and darts, which he really didn't want to try playing poker with. If he was lucky, all that would happen is a flock of chocobos run over his hand. If he wasn't, he'd get himself killed. This was one thing he didn't particularly want to gamble on.

So Setzer had spent the past few months remodeling the interior with a replica of his previous casino. He'd kept the upholstering, but re-tiled the floors with a black-and-white spade pattern. He'd started docking at a few places and advertising his ship at only twenty-five gil per person, plus extra chips, of course (you gotta make a buck somehow – saving the world doesn't get you much money). He'd hired a couple guys to sell items and give a good night's rest, plus a few more to take care of the casino. He'd had quite a few workers on the Blackjack, but Setzer didn't really want to know what had happened to them – they were probably dead.

Anyway, now all that work was finished and Setzer had the ship to himself. So he'd decided, after much aimless (but fun) wandering, to visit old friends. The old party had spread out all over the map, which didn't really bother him (travelling was no problem with this ship), but he really had no idea where most of them had gone. 

Terra would be… probably in Mobliz, but Setzer wouldn't bet on it. He knew itchy feet when he saw them, being a wanderer himself. 

Locke… could be anywhere. Probably in the middle of nowhere trying to get rich. _Or, _Setzer thought slyly, _in the process of dragging Celes to that same middle of nowhere to join him._

Edgar and Sabin? In Figaro, always. Neither of them was in any hurry to go anywhere.

Celes had gotten off the ship with Terra in Mobliz, but had left shortly afterward. Who knew where she was?

Cyan… Doma. He was working hard to clean up that place, to rebuild what Kefka had destroyed.

Gau – prolly on the Veldt. He could be civilized when he wanted to be, but the open fields with the monsters would always be his home.

Relm and Strago would be in Thamasa, no doubt. 

Mog had probably gone back to Narshe, along with Umaro. 

Gogo had just disappeared, never asking to be dropped off anywhere. That guy-? was seriously strange. 

Only one was missing of the fourteen… Shadow. Was he dead or alive? He hadn't shown up on the Falcon during their escape – why? That guy was always such a mystery, and probably wanted to keep it that way, too. 

Never mind, that wasn't his problem. Figaro Castle would be his first destination – Edgar was one of the few people who had actually managed to swindle Setzer, instead of the other way around. 

So the Wandering Gambler steered his ship around to the east, to the desert kingdom of Figaro. 

~*~

Life at Figaro was enjoyable, to say the least. Both Edgar and Sabin were dear friends, and it was much more comfortable here than it was on the road. But, somehow Terra felt as if she was living on their hospitality, instead of on her own sweat. It made her nervous sometimes, but not a lot. 

After Terra had stayed for a few weeks, an unexpected visitor came around, landing his airship as near to Castle Figaro as he could without chipping off a turret with his rotors. Terra was just getting up when a flurry of wind and sand blew through the window into her face. Squinting as she leant out the window, she saw Setzer jump out of the hatch and whistle his way down to the front gates. 

Most of the Figaro guards had seen Setzer's airship many times before, but the ones who hadn't stood and stared in amazement while the others poked them and laughed. 

Terra laughed along with them and threw on some clothes and boots, running down the stairs to the front of the castle. 

"Setzer, you swindler!" she said as she hugged him. "It's good to see you!"

"Oof." Setzer held his stomach. "Don't hug me any more, kay? I think you just broke a rib."

Terra rolled her eyes. "Right. You've just gotten soft."

"Me?" Setzer was shocked. "Soft? Never."

Edgar came down the steps with a sleepy Sabin following behind him. 

"Why did you have to get here so early?" Sabin yawned. "This hour is positively unholy."

Edgar jabbed him in the side. "You're just not a morning person. You'd feel better if you went to bed before midnight."

"Riiight."

~*~

"…Celes?"

"What?"

Locke sighed. "Is something bothering you?"

"Not really. I just… feel rather distracted lately. My mind is elsewhere." Celes shifted her position on the couch next to Locke.

"What are you thinking about?"

__

Who, is more like it. Why should I be thinking about him? Why should I care at all? I barely even know him. "Lots of things. Look, Locke…" Celes said. "I need some time alone. I want to… straighten some things out, away from Narshe."

Locke's expression was completely transparent. "Oh. Okay. Whatever makes you happy."

Celes felt a bit guilty about doing this to him, but not enough to stop her from going. "I'll stay here for a day more to get my things together, then I'm leaving."

"Do you know where you're going?"

"I'm not sure." That was a lie. She knew full well where she was going.

Locke sighed again. "I'll miss you."

"I know."

~*~

Celes left the next day, wondering why she was doing this. She could be perfectly happy in Narshe, with Locke. She could, if only she could forget one man. 

__

I'm going to follow him. I have to see him again, to show myself, 'see, this man is not important. This man is nothing.' There is no reason why I should be attracted to him at all. 

I know exactly where he is going, I don't know why. Part women's intuition, part general's guess, part whatever is left of my magic. When the espers had left, only those whose magic was ingrained in their being had been left with any magic at all. Of her friends; herself, Terra, Relm and Strago, and possibly Mog.

__

I have to follow him… because when I look at him, I see a mirror image of myself. I see what I was as a general, and what I could have been if I hadn't found friends. What I could have been if I'd stayed cold.

I see a lonely man. 


	10. Thamasa

Couldn't think of a better chapter name. Oh, well. Sue me for my description of Thamasa. I'm not gonna check so I can describe everything perfectly accurately. Just too lazy.

Disclaimer: Shadow, and every other character in this story, as well as everything else, unfortunately belongs to Squaresoft. I just borrow them for torture purposes. 

****

Shadows of the Past

Chapter 9: Thamasa

Celes knew precisely where Shadow was going, and that was Thamasa. There was some sort of strange connection between Shadow and that town, why, Celes wasn't sure. She rented a chocobo until she got to South Figaro, and took a boat from there to Thamasa. The journey took several weeks, but Celes was used to travelling. As she stood on the island in front of the small town, she went over her reasons why she had come here again. Well, regrets won no war. 

She wandered around Thamasa for a while, looking through shop windows at trinkets she was too practical to buy, and remembering all the things their group had done here. She bought lunch and ate it on a hill a short ways away from the city, just enjoying the scenery. Locke had always appreciated the beauty of nature, and some of it had rubbed off on Celes. The air was always fresher in small places like this. In cities like Narshe, smoke from fireplaces and machines filled the air, and the entire place smelled like the gunpowder of the mines.

Before her was Thamasa, its shops, its homes, its gardens, with tilled fields surrounding it. There was a small copse of trees on the west side of town, edging outward to surround part of the city. On the east side was a graveyard, grown unfortunately larger since the disaster. Stones and crosses dotted the lightly rolling hillside. There was only one person there, though – Celes leaned forward to see better. A figure in black knelt in front of a tombstone, with a dog beside him – was that who she thought it was?

She threw the scraps of her lunch to the birds and walked slowly down the hill. His back was facing towards her, and he didn't turn around until she was only a few metres away from him. 

"You can put that knife away, Shadow, I'm not going to kill you."

He stuffed his knife into his sash. He might have been embarrassed, Celes couldn't tell. "Reflex."

She shrugged. "You're probably in better shape than I am."

"How did you know I was here?" He seemed to take it for granted that she was following him.

"A good magician never gives away her secrets." Celes cracked a smile.

"Whatever." He turned, and started to walk away. Interceptor whined and thumped his tail on the ground.

"Wait."

He turned back again, annoyed. "What do you want? I have things to do."

"Whose gravestone is that?"

"No one important."

Celes narrowed her eyes. "If the person wasn't important, why did you come here?" She didn't wait for an answer, she just read the stone.

Here lies Aysha Arrowny

Beloved daughter, wife and mother

You will live in our hearts forever

Though your spirit has left this world

Rest In Peace

"Arrowny?" Celes asked. "Is this… Relm's mother?"

"Yes."

"Why… did you come here?"

Shadow just shook his head and walked away, whistling for his dog.

"What's your last name, Clyde?" she called after him. "What is it?" Celes was afraid she already knew.

She wasn't about to give up this easily. He'd gotten away from her once, he wouldn't do it again. But if he started to run, she knew she wouldn't be able to catch up with him. She ran to catch up with him, but without turning to see if she was following, he broke into a run. 

Celes cursed, knowing there was only one way she'd get him to stop. She pressed her hands together, concentrating on the spell. It was such a bitch to cast these days, like walking through molasses. "STOP!" He froze in place. Interceptor looked at his master for a moment, wondering what had happened. Celes sank to her knees. It took more out of her, too. Of course, that might have been because she was so out of practice.

She jogged up to him, then grabbed his arm tightly and released the spell. 

"That was cheating." Shadow said.

"Running away was cheating," she retorted. "Tell me your full, real name, Shadow. I'm not letting go until you do."

"Why do you need to know?"

"Because you need to tell someone."

"Suddenly you're Miss Psychiatrist."

"Yes, I am." She dug in her fingernails, but Shadow didn't even wince. Strange guy. "Tell me, or I'll make you."

Shadow smirked under his mask. "You couldn't make me. That was never one of your abilities." 

"I have other methods." As a general under Gestahl, she'd learned many methods of torture, but she wasn't about to tell him that.

"You want me to tell you everything?"

"Yes. Now."

"I will, if you let go of my arm. You've probably drawn blood."

Celes reluctantly let go, not trusting him to run away again. 

He rolled up his sleeve to reveal five puncture marks on his arm, bleeding lightly. "Thanks, I really needed five more scars." He said sarcastically. He rolled his sleeve down again and tucked it into his glove.

"Tell me what happened after Baram died." She crossed her arms. 

Shadow took a breath and sat down on the grass. Interceptor turned three times and curled up beside him. "What, do you want to listen to the whole story standing up?"

Scowling, Celes sat down beside him.

"Okay. I had to get away, fast. I was really messed up then, I could barely walk. I stole a chocobo and rode for a long time, I don't know how long. I remember that I had to keep pinching myself awake, because I had a concussion. I ended up in some port city, I can't even remember where now. I needed to get as far away as possible, so I stowed away on a boat to Thamasa. It was the middle of nowhere, right? They'd never look for me there.

I got there, and didn't even make it to the inn. I passed out, and woke up in a bed somewhere. I think I was delirious. I thought I was going to die. All I can remember from then was dreams of Baram, and a beautiful girl. She put cold cloths on my forehead, she bandaged my wounds. I thought she was an angel. 

When I came to, I found out her name was Aysha. Her parents were dead, and she lived with a friend of the family, about the same age as her father was. We fell in love, I guess. She was great. The old man never trusted me much, thought I was a crook, but she took everything I said for truth. I told her the empire was after me because my family had sided with the Returners, so they had killed them all save me, and I have barely escaped. My home and all my things were destroyed.

We got married. I was there for a few years. I think those were the best years of my life. But one day… I just left."

Celes drew her eyebrows together. "Why?"

"I don't know. There's not a single moment I don't ask myself why. I was restless. I felt tied down. I… was afraid. I was scared that if I didn't leave now, then I'd never leave. I just stay there forever."

"What's so bad about that?"

"I don't know, okay! But I couldn't stay there. She was so perfect, so innocent. I'd ruin her life if I stayed there. I'd corrupt her. She deserved someone who could care for her." Shadow was frustrated.

"You cared for her."

"Not enough, or I would have stayed! I had a kid, okay? I left because I couldn't handle it. I couldn't raise a child, I was barely more than one myself! So I left. Aysha's dog, Interceptor, wanted me to stay. I wouldn't, so he followed me. A few years later I found out that Aysha had died from illness. I never wanted to go back to Thamasa again.

But then I joined the Returners. I don't know why, maybe because I blamed the Empire for everything that had gone wrong in my life. They were easy to blame. At some point, I didn't even care what side I was on. I sold myself to the Empire, because they paid better. That was it.

Then I had to go back to Thamasa. Hell, you know the rest. Strago never recognized me as Shadow. Relm had been too young to remember me. I kept it that way. They don't need to know."

Celes shook her head. "Then why did you come back here?"

Shadow said nothing. 

"Because you felt guilty, right? You felt guilty for leaving her, guilty for selling yourself to the Empire. Now you're drowning in a sea of your own self-pity."

Shadow looked up as if he had been slapped. "What?"

"You heard me. You've had plenty of chances to right the past, and you didn't, because you're a coward. You run from everything. You're hiding behind that mask right now, because you're too much of a coward to show your face."

He was starting to get angry. "Who do you think you're talking to?"

"Oh, yeah, the dread assassin Shadow. Bullshit. You're a baby, Shadow. Afraid of a little responsibility. Afraid of the truth."

"Look, I didn't tell you this because I wanted to get pissed on."

"Yeah, you told it to me to get into my pants."

"WHAT?" Shadow almost yelled. "You? Are you crazy? You're the one who kissed me, for fuck's sake!"

"Like you didn't enjoy it." Celes said coldly. 

He was furious. "You – you – bitch!"

Celes laughed suddenly, shocking Shadow no end. "Hey, you're not depressed anymore."

"Yeah, I'm pissed!" It suddenly clicked what she had done. "You just wound me up, didn't you, so I would stop feeling sorry for myself."

"Uh-huh."

"You little bitch."

"I know." 


	11. Weirdest Person

This is the second-to-last chapter, everybody. Well, two people, anyway. Last I saw there were two reviews, so, hey, this is the second-to-last-chapter, two people. Really short, but what the hell.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. It's all Squaresoft's. Do you think I could convince Square to part with FF6 for five bucks?

****

Shadows of the Past

Chapter 10: The Weirdest Person

"How long are you going to be staying, Setzer?" Terra asked. They'd settled down and were relaxing on one of the castles' lounge areas. Edgar was out dealing with Figaro matters, and Sabin was out on the practice courts. 

"Just because the world is at peace doesn't mean I get to stop practicing." He had said.

Setzer shrugged. "Probably until I get bored."

She rolled her eyes. "Oh, you'll probably be here all year, then."

"Maybe." Setzer said with a grin. "Do you want me to?"

Terra rolled her eyes again. "Flirt."

"You keep rolling your eyes like that, they're gonna fall out of your head." 

In response Terra just gave him a shove. 

"Hey! No need for violence, here!" Setzer protested.

"That was not violence. You want violence?" Terra knelt down and yanked his foot, pulling him off his seat onto the floor.

"Now that," Setzer said, "Was just immature."

"You're just sore that you didn't think of it first."

In response to _that,_ Setzer grabbed her arm and pulled her down on top of him.

"HEY!" 

"I don't mind *this* position." Setzer grinned.

Terra just scowled. "You're worse than Edgar."

"Ooh, that cut _deep_."

"Can the sarcasm, please." Terra climbed back into her chair.

Setzer turned over onto his stomach and rested his head on his palm. "Why so glum, chum?"

"None of your business."

"Ooh, I get it, romantic problems." He was still grinning like an idiot. "Tell Doctor Loove and maybe he can fix it for you."

Terra groaned. "You _are_ worse than Edgar. God. Living with both of you at the same time is gonna be hell."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"Argh…"

"No, really, Terra." He sat up. "What is it?"

"It's nothing. Just me wallowing in my own depression. Nothing you can do anything about."

"Hey, take some pleasure to ease the pain, baby. That's what it's all about."

Terra just gave him the Look. "And by that I suppose you mean you, of course. Times like this I wonder what you wear under that huge jacket of yours."

Setzer grinned mischievously. "Why? Wanna see?"

"No. You probably go commando. Completely commando."

"You'll never know until you take a look."

"It wouldn't be the same."

"Same as what?"

Terra's mouth snapped shut. "Nothing."

Setzer sat up, turning serious. "Someone you loved has gone, right? I can tell. It takes a manic-depressive to see a manic-depressive."

Terra smiled at that one. "Ha, ha, and ha. You were never depressed in your life." As soon as it came out of Terra's mouth she regretted it. _Well, _duh_, Terra, way to make _him_ feel good. What do you have for a brain, dried peas? _

"I like to keep that image." He was quiet for a while. "Dwelling on things that depress you never did anyone any good."

"So you bury them in a tomb and take them out to save the world, hey?" 

"Yeah. Remember the good parts, not the bad ones."

"What if it ended badly?" 

Setzer thought for a moment. "You still know that even though you may have not come off on the best of terms, there were some happy times before that. And whatever lucky guy was with you for that time was happy then, too."

Terra smiled wryly. "Wow. You're actually right, for once."

"My dear, I'm _always_ right." He paused. "So. Still interested?"

"You never give up, do you?"

"Hey, a man's gotta have something once in a while. After a couple of years of celibacy, _anything _and_ everything _start to look good."

"Oh, thanks." Terra snorted.

"But you're not just anything, pearl-of-my-eye." Setzer stood up and bowed gracefully.

"Can the compliments, will you? Geez… you must be really desperate."

"Desperate for _you._"

Terra put her finger to her mouth and grinned slowly. "What would you do if I said yes?"

"Why, take off my jacket, of course."

"I don't even want to know what's under there."

Setzer pulled out a coin. "Care to make a wager?"

"You bet on everything, don't you." Terra licked her lips. "I'll make you a wager. Heads, I say no. Tails, you got it. What do you say?"

"I like those odds." Setzer grinned. Balancing the coin on his thumb, he flipped it high in the air, caught it on his palm, and slapped it down on his arm. "Tails."

Terra grabbed the coin before he could take it back. "You stole this coin from Edgar."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because it's got tails on both sides."


	12. Seriously, Shadow

I actually wrote this chapter before the previous chapter. Can you believe it? Anywayz, this is the end.

Disclaimer: Shadow is not mine, Celes is not mine, EVERYBODY, EVERYTHING, and EVERYWHERE is not mine. It's all Squaresoft's. Sucks to be me. (I know, I know)

****

Shadows of the Past

Chapter 11: Seriously, Shadow

"Seriously, Shadow," Celes asked. They were lying on the grass quite a ways from town, doing nothing. There wasn't much _to_ do, here. "When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? I can't think of any seven-year-old who would think, 'I wanna be an assassin when I grow up.' Really."

Shadow almost chuckled. "I never really thought about it. I was one of those people who lived in the now. I guess I still am." He raised an eyebrow. "Why? What did **you** want to be when you grew up?

Celes blushed. "I wanted to be a seamstress. **Don't** tell anyone, or you'll die a slow and painful death."

"Oh, I won't tell."

"But seriously, now, Shadow. You can't live the way you do now forever."

"I like living on the edge. I always enjoyed having my life ride on anything I did… it's like a challenge. The ultimate gamble. If you win, you get a reputation, plus cash. If you lose, you're dead. Nice stakes."

"You're like Setzer." Celes accused.

"Whatever."

Celes turned over to look at him, resting her chin on her hand. "But that's not what I meant. Do you really want to wear that mask forever? You can change, you know. What have you got to lose?"

Shadow sighed. "Nothing but my piece of mind, as always. I never had anything more to lose."

"That was your choice."

"And I like it that way. It always costs more when you have more to lose. When you have nothing to lose, you can do anything. Nothing really matters anymore, if you haven't got anything to lose."

"But is that what you really want?" Celes asked. "Apathy?"

He was silent for a moment. "No."

"Then what do you want, Shadow?"

"I…" He trailed off. "I don't know anymore. I used to want money. That was an easy goal – nothing abstract or intangible. Then I wanted fame. I wanted everyone to know the name of Shadow the assassin. Then I stopped wanting anything. I just didn't care anymore. Eventually… all I really wanted was to end it all. I wanted death."

Celes looked down. "Is that what you still want?"

"No."

Celes said nothing.

"What do **you** want, Celes?" Shadow said suddenly.

"Me?" she was surprised. 

"Yeah, you."

Celes wiggled her eyebrows. "I want **you**, honey."

"Seriously!"

"I'm serious."

Shadow sat up, his jaw dropping open underneath his mask. "Are you serious? If you're messing with me, I'm so going to –"

Celes' expression sobered. "I'm perfectly serious."

Shadow's jaw snapped shut. "What about Locke?"

Celes shook her head. "I feel sorry for him, I really do. And he'll always be my first love. But… it would never last. He doesn't understand me, he thinks I've completely changed. But underneath it all, I'm still the same person, you know? I'm still a cold-hearted bitch, no matter how much I thaw. He was never able to take the bitch."

Shadow stifled a laugh. "Do you think you could take a killer?"

"Well, we do have one thing in common, at least."

He couldn't hold it back any longer. Shadow laughed, about as happy a sound as Celes had ever heard him make. "Do you think you could take a killer who has got more scars than is possible to count?

Celes snorted. "Well, I've never seen most of them, have I, so how could I count them?"

Shadow grinned wickedly. "Well, would you like to see them?"

"Yes, actually."

"Don't say I didn't warn you."

Shadow pulled at the fingers of his gloves, one by one, and pulled them off. There were quite a few small scars on his hands. He drew back his hood and untied his mask, showing Celes his face again. He dropped the gloves and mask on the grass and pulled off his shirt. He was right; there _were_ too many scars to count. There was the purple monster than ran from his ear, then halfway down his chest, of course. Puncture marks that looked to be from thorns dotted the right side of his abdomen, and three claw marks went across his chest. Those were only the biggest scars – his entire upper body was webbed with scars, small and medium, of every age and every weapon type. 

"Jesus."

"Fifty gil says I've got more scars than you do."

Celes grinned. "I'd be stupid to take that one." She slowly unbuttoned her shirt, and, taking it off, revealed a perfectly smooth and lightly tanned upper body.

"How the _hell_ do you get it like that?" Shadow gaped at her – for more than one reason.

Celes grinned. "What, the lack of scars, or the rest?"

"Both."

"The Empire had the technology to kill off half the Espers and destroy the world. Don't you think they could get rid of scarring?"

"You're so vain." Shadow said.

"I'm not denying it."

"Well at least you've got some thing to be vain about." Shadow shuffled forward on his knees, putting himself as close to Celes as he could without touching her.

Celes smiled and drew her mouth to his, tasting him, exploring him. Shadow's hands lay still at his sides, but they itched to move up to touch her. "You're not so bad yourself." She whispered.

Finally Shadow stopped resisting the urge, and pulled his hands slowly up her sides to cup her breasts, massaging lightly.

"Shadow." She withdrew. "If we're going to do anything, don't you think we should go inside?"

He rolled his eyes. "For fuck's sake, no one is going to see us, this is the middle of nowhere. Unless you're worried about your delicate ass touching the harsh grass."

"It's the principle of the thing. Having sex with a guy on the grass does not turn me on."

"You are so…"

"Just get up, lazyass." 

~*~

"You're not bad," Celes lay on her back, arms folded behind her head. "Not amazing, but not bad."

"What, are you going to rate me on a scale from one to ten?"

"Well, let's see… One being that soldier who didn't know which end to put his cock in and ten being Kefka… he may be crazy but he's great in bed, you know –"

"WHAT?!"

Celes chuckled. "Just kidding, just kidding. Have a sense of humor. But anyway, I'd say you were a seven and a half."

"Oh, thanks. I'm so flattered."

"Well, really, I couldn't give you an eight, you're not quite as good as Gestahl…" Shadow glared. "Just kidding, just kidding, you can be so serious sometimes, Shadow…"

~*~

"So…" They were in a room at the inn, just after breakfast.

"What?" Shadow asked. 

"Do you want me to call you Clyde? I mean, that is your name."

He shook his head. "No, that stopped being my name the first time I killed a man. When I killed him, Clyde died as well. Shadow will always be who I am."

Celes nodded. "That makes sense… I'd feel weird calling you anything else." 

"Yeah." He was staring off into space, his mind elsewhere. "I don't want to wear this anymore." He untied his mask and scrunched it up, putting it into his pocket. On second thought, he gave it to Celes. "I don't want to be tempted."

Celes took it and stuffed it in her own pocket. "Are you going to go through a full wardrobe change as well? How about a new color? Nice, electric pink."

"Nice try. I like black. It hides stains nicely."

"Which you need, because you never wash your clothes." Celes held her nose and waved her hand dramatically. 

He rolled his eyes. "It's not that bad."

They were both quite for a while. "So. Are you going to tell her?"

Shadow knew who Celes was talking about. "Yeah. I don't believe that ignorance is bliss. Ignorance just gets you killed."

"You're so cynical."

"So are you."

"I guess." Celes shrugged.

"I like being cynical, though." Shadow said. "I like being a jerk sometimes. I like being mysterious. And, yeah, maybe and some level I like being a killer. Fuck, nobody's perfect."

Celes just raised an eyebrow. "Speak for yourself, Shadow."

**__**

THE END


	13. Epilogue

Since chapter ten was so damn short, I decided to do an epilogue. Here it is, whoop-dee-doo.

Final Disclaimer: Unlike Final Fantasy, which in never final, this *is* the Final Disclaimer. I don't own anything, all credit goes to Square, etc. etc. 

****

Shadows of the Past

Epilogue

__

He sat in the town square, on the edge of the fountain. He wouldn't go to her door, he'd just feel like an idiot. They would come to him. Celes wasn't there, she said it was his responsibility and his problem, and none of it was her business. Smart woman.

She'd come eventually. It was a small town. He'd been avoiding them, before. 

"Hey!" he turned around to see Relm running down the street. "Interceptor!" 

His dog uncurled himself from Shadow's feet and ran to Relm, jumping up and licking her face. 

Relm herself was taller, and a bit more mature, but the same munchkin as always.

"Yes, you're a good puppy, Interceptor…" Relm scratched behind his ears. She looked up at the dog's master. "Shadow?"

"Yeah."

"You're not wearing your mask anymore."

"I don't need it."

A second later Strago came puffing up behind Relm, trying to prove he wasn't an old man, as always. "Relm! I was –" he cut off, looking up at Shadow. "You've got a lot of guts, coming back here." Shadow said nothing. "Why? Why did you do it?"

"Because I was a coward."

"You're worse." He said fiercely. 

"I know."

A single thought went unspoken between them. It's your fault that Aysha is dead.

__

"Are you going to tell her?"

"She deserves to know."

"No child deserves what you have done to her."

Relm looked up at Strago. "What are you guys talking about? I wanna know." She was stubborn, and Shadow could tell she wouldn't give up until she found out.

Shadow sat down again to be just below her eye level. "How much did Strago tell you about your parents?"

"Not much. I mean, I remember my mother, just a bit, but she died when I was just a little kid. I'm always asking Strago about my father, and he never says anything. Just gives me this 'when you're older' bullshit."

It always startled Shadow to see swears come out of a twelve-year-old's mouth. Meh. Nothing I didn't say when I was twelve.

__

"Your father was a fool, Relm. He left you because he was afraid. Afraid of loving you too much. He left town, changed his name, tried to forget everything. He stopped caring about anything. He sold himself to the Empire, and thought nothing of it. He thought he'd never see you again. He was wrong." Realization slowly dawned in Relm's eyes. Shadow looked down at the ground. "I'm not going to blame you if you hate me."

It took a few moments for Shadow to register the arms around his neck. "Whaa?"

Relm withdrew. "You tell anyone I did that and I'm gonna make your life a living hell."

Shadow couldn't think of anything to say for a moment. "Thanks for comforting one fucked-up man."

"You looked like you needed it."

______________________________________________________________________ 

Cheesy ending, I know. Review!


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